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                                                      托福學生習作批改-success的要素

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                                                      有的托??忌矚g看例文來提高作文標準。因而,就一篇標準在4~5分的例文,接著大伙會給出美在它的基礎上修改處來的6分作文,后,大伙將就例*出評論,指出原文的不足,乃至意見的優點,讓您對托福寫作的知識點有更加真實、豐富的體驗。改后的范文,同一時間對以下三個方面進行點評:

                                                      1、?文章結構:將給出題目的類型,并且分析其謀篇布局的優點;

                                                      2、?語言運用:將舉出精彩的句子,分析其精彩指出;同一時間指出不符合TWE語言要求的句子,并做出改正;

                                                      3、?錯誤與誤區:在學生習作之中,存在著特別多的中考生經常犯的錯誤或誤區,大伙將一一指出,以免大伙重蹈覆轍。

                                                      題目:

                                                      “When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

                                                      簡析:

                                                      題目大意是說,人們的成功首要源于努力,運氣與之沒有任何關系。你是否同意這句話?請用詳細的理由或例子來講明你得立場。這道題目屬于抽象類話題,是闡述有關成功的原因。

                                                      原文(4.5分左右):

                                                      Many people attribute others’ success to luck. However, I agree with the quotation that success comes only through hard work and not through luck. I ascribe my decision to the reasons elucidated as follows.

                                                      Each of us has our own goals and ambitions in life for which we continually strive. When we reach the determined goal, we call it success. Thus, success is the end product of long-term effort. Consider the case of a student pursuing a high score in the final exams. The student would have to work hard right from the beginning of the year. He/she needs to get acquainted with the subjects, topics and the logic. Only through hard work can he/she excel in the subject and eventually get a high score. Should the student fail to concentrate on studies at first and then try to cram towards the end, the result may not be favorable. Burning the midnight oil could never equal planned work.

                                                      Similarly, we can take the case of an athlete preparing for an upcoming event. The athlete can never depend on luck to win the event for him/her. He/she has to put in a lot of hard work to attain the stamina and the energy sufficient for the event. If it were true that success comes out of luck, all the athlete needs to do is to go straightaway to the field and voila success would be his/hers. But, that is not what occurs in reality. Only sheer hard work and planned efforts can bring ultimate success.

                                                      It is the common criterion for everything in life that success comes through hard work. Very true is the saying that hard work never goes unrewarded. Thus success is sweet and lasting to those who really strive for it. But, only momentary satisfaction is ascribed to those who rig it out.

                                                      Hence, we can clearly say that success comes purely out of hard work and luck becomes a mere coincidence. Also, there is no substitute for hard work and without it success becomes a part of fantasy. We can conclude this reasoning with the claim that hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.

                                                      修改(6分):

                                                      (1)Many people attribute success to luck.(2) However, I agree with the quotation that success comes only through hard work and absolutely not through luck. (3)It takes non-stop and even painful efforts in order to succeed. Relying on Goddess Luck will get you nowhere at all.

                                                      (4)Success is the fruit borne only after long-term efforts. (5)Each of us has our goals and ambitions for which we are continuously striving. (6)Only when the preset once-far-away goals finally jump into our vision and within easy reach can we enjoy the happiness of success. (7)Without one hundred percent hard work, a person can hardly excel in his or her field or attain success. (8)For example, a student who fails to concentrate on studies and at the last moment tries to cram, hoping to get away with it, finds the result more often than not frustratingly unsatisfactory. (9)Only sheer hard work and planned efforts can bring ultimate success.

                                                      (10)Luck is definitely unreliable. (11)Anyone dreaming to realize success through sheer luck is doomed to fail and be fooled by Fate. (12)We can take the case of an athlete preparing for an upcoming event. (13)The athlete can never depend on Goddess Luck to win the event. (14)He/she has to work terribly hard so as to obtain the stamina and energy needed for success. (15)If it were true that success comes out of luck, all the athlete needs to do is to pray to Goddess Luck and then go straight to the field and then success would be his/hers. (16)But, that is not what occurs in reality. Ironically, the opposite usually happens.

                                                      (17)It is the common criterion for everything in life that success comes only through hard work. (18)Very true is the saying that hard work never goes unrewarded. (19)Thus success is sweet and lasting to those who have really strived for it. (20)But, only momentary satisfaction is felt if the success is obtained by accident. (21)Hence, we can say for sure that success comes purely out of hard work and luck is a mere coincidence. (22)Also, there is no substitute for hard work and without it success is nothing but fantasy. (23)To conclude, hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.

                                                      例文評論:

                                                      一、文章類型:觀點選擇型。

                                                      二、語言運用。

                                                      1、句(3)

                                                      優秀:It takes non-stop and even painful efforts in order to succeed. Relying on Goddess Luck will get you nowhere at all.

                                                      評論:這一句是原文中沒有得。使用Goddess Luck與get nowhere at all是對英美文化的深入了解,并且 有一種諷刺的意味,是很能表達作者觀點與標準的話。

                                                      2、句(23)

                                                      普通:We can conclude this reasoning with the claim that hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.

                                                      優秀:To conclude, hard work alone can bring success and nothing else can equal it.

                                                      評論:后句用to conclude兩個詞就概括了we can conclude this reasoning with the claim that這一長句話的內容,不簡單并且 特別醒目,作為總結全文的話,這是特別必要的。

                                                      三、常見錯誤與誤區。

                                                      1、painful比aching更加地道。

                                                      2、原文中的But, only momentary satisfaction is ascribed to those who rig it out.中學生常犯的另一個錯誤,也是亂用詞組。這句的rig it out很難以理解,用在這里并不合適。在使用詞組的時候一定要弄清楚詞組的含義與使用語境,尤其要注意詞組暗含的意思,不要把含有貶意的詞組用在表揚上,盡管從中文意思詞組的意思看起來都差不多。

                                                      3、原文中的Hence, we can clearly say that success comes purely out of hard work and luck becomes a mere coincidence.這句的疑問在后一個分句上,原文的意思是說通過luck成功是coincidence,而不是說luck本身是coincidence。因而在表達時不夠準確?;蛘呤悄蔷湓?,不要為了簡潔而忽視了準確,也不要直接從漢語譯成英語。

                                                      2019-08-06 16:44:17

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